Reflections on arranged marriage

I had the most fascinating conversation today on commitment, the meaning of love, and arranged marriages. It all started when I met Gauri at a dinner hosted by Maryam's supervising doctor (there is a more technical name for his position, but I can't remember). We instantly hit it off as she described her job as a criminal defense attorney for the poor. Turns out she works just down the street from me, so we had lunch today. Standing outside my warehouse/office in the blinding sun of an unusually warm February day, I finally got up the nerve to ask her about her arranged marriage to her husband. Here is an American raised and educated woman, an attorney, confident and outspoken and articulate, funny and sarcastic. Yet she chose- she asked- for an arranged marriage. She met her future husband for 2 minutes, and 3 days later was married in India in the traditional way. She epitomizes everything that fascinates me about India.
"Are you and he very different?" I asked. Of course we are, everyone is, she said. Think about your parents, she said. Do you love them? Are they the same people they were 20 years ago? Haven't they changed? And yet you still love them, nothing could make you stop loving them, no matter how different you are, right? Love is a choice, a commitment. I love my parents, and I love my husband. Neither of us is going anywhere.
In so many ways, I think her idea of marriage, of love, is so much more realistic and healthy than the Western ideal. I cannot fathom marrying someone who I do not know well, who I do not feel that spark of romantic love for. And that is my culture, what I have been socialized to demand and expect. But--- with all this focus on romantic love, finding someone who is a "soulmate", we often overlook the commitment part. Maybe Indian ideas of love are all commitment, while ours are too often all feelings. Given those extremes, the Indian version is so much healthier.
The Indian marriage is also much more communal. By that, I mean that you aren't just marrying that person. Gauri told me that the most important thing to her was how her future husband got along with her family, and how she got along with his family. Because she knew what a critical role their families would have in their lives. I think Western marriage is so self-centered- or couple centered, really. How many times do I hear people talk about not being able to stand their in-laws? Or that "my parents don't like him, but screw them, it's my marriage"? This individualism is unthinkable for Gauri's culture. It just doesn't work. The very nature of the match-making process, which is run by family networks, depends on children who trust their parents enough to make this crucial decision for them. As Gauri put it: My parents have done so much for me. They didn't take vacations without my sister and I until I was 21. They have sheltered and cared for me. So I knew there was no way they were going to choose a husband for me who would make me unhappy.
Part of me thinks- wow- this whole arranged marriage thing is brilliant. Your parents, who know you better and care more deeply about you than anyone else, who have a lifetime's worth of wisdom and connections, find someone who they think will make you (and them) happy. No making mistakes dating stupid people, no broken hearts, leave behind the stress and agony and frustration of trying to find that perfect person who really isn't perfect after all. Leave marriage to the experts, not the novices. Doesn't that make sense? It's so rational, so logical.
Of course it makes sense. But am I ready for an arranged marriage? Not quite. No matter how much I love and respect my parents, I cannot imagine the kind of blind trust it takes to completely commit a choice that huge to them. And I don't think they would want that responsiblity, honestly. Our culture is just not set up that way.
I love the commitment that the arranged marriage system engenders, the clear-eyed approach to marriage, stripped of the gloppy romanticism we wrap it in. But that kind of sheer commitment takes my breath away. Because while I intend to commit completely- because I understand that love without commitment is not love at all- it terrifies me to think of committing to someone who I do not really deeply know. And yet Gauri is right- no matter how well you know someone, we all change. The person she married two years ago is not the same person she will be married to in five years. And that is just as true for a Western "love" marriage as for an arranged one.
So these are my thoughts. I'm not quite ready for my parents (or anyone else) to arrange my marriage. But sometimes I wish I weren't too American to make an arranged marriage work. I wonder: is our Western idea of "love" worth all the drama we go through to find it?